


hold on to me (i'm a little unsteady)

by fortunedays



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, kind of happy ending anyway, super angsty whoops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-08-29
Packaged: 2018-08-11 18:21:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7902967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fortunedays/pseuds/fortunedays
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being in love has its consequences. So does being on opposite sides of a war. When Astra leaves Alex behind in an attempt to keep her safe, Alex doesn't know what to do. Loneliness and Alex don't mix well, and when Astra never comes back - it's hell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hold on to me (i'm a little unsteady)

They have been seeing each other for three weeks when Astra finally brings up the war. They're sitting on Alex's couch, the agent curled up against Astra's side. Most of their time is spent like this; despite their past violence, together they've grown to be gentle. Astra finds comfort in it. She doesn't want to let it go.

"Alex?" There's a sleepy hum in response. "We need to talk about something."

Adjusting so she can look up at Astra, Alex sighs. "The war. Non. Myriad."

"Yes. All that." Astra looks away, feeling guilty. "Non does not know I have changed my allegiance, and I...I am afraid of what I must do. We both have jobs, Alex, in this war. It is coming soon, and we must be prepared."

"We will be prepared, Ash, you know that." Alex places her hand on Astra's cheek, turning her head so their eyes meet. "It's best if Non doesn't suspect you. We'll be okay, Astra. I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

"You may not have the option," Astra insists. "The moment we appear to be working together, Non will know, and he will kill you. And then he will kill me."

"Astra. I am not letting you die. Under _any_ circumstances."

Astra sighs, but nods at Alex's confidence. "I just want to protect you, Alex."

Warm arms wrap around Astra's body as Alex presses herself closer. "I know." If she's honest, she wants to protect Astra too, and she'll risk her life against Non if that's what it takes. She's not leaving Astra behind.

xxx

The night before the world goes to hell, things explode. The sky is dark but Alex can't sleep, and the next day's war is only part of the reason why. Things at the DEO have been high strung for days, once Astra brought back information of when Non was planning his attack. Astra has been spending more than normal at Non's base, in order to keep up the act that she is still supporting him. She has yet to come home, and Alex is worried.

A thump and a squeak coming from the living room announces Astra's arrival. Alex rushes from her room, a smile taking over her face when she sees Astra. Flicking on the light, Alex makes her way over and hugs the general tightly. Astra is tense under her grip.

"Brave one," she begins quietly, removing herself from Alex's hold. "There is something I must do."

"What is it?" Alex asks, and she sees sadness hidden carefully in Astra's eyes. "Ash, what's wrong?"

Astra sighs. "I have spoken with Non about his plans for Myriad, and they have left me concerned. Obviously, his main goal is to kill Supergirl, but he will not stop with just Kara. He aims to take you out as well. There is little I can do without drawing suspicion to myself and risking both our lives further. I need you to promise me that no matter what happens to me, you will protect Kara and destroy Myriad."

"Astra, no," Alex says, and she shakes her head. "I'm not going to leave you behind, I won't let Non kill you!"

"It will be too dangerous for you! My life is not worth what yours is. You must distance yourself from me, otherwise it will get you killed."

Alex frowns, reaching for words. "What the hell? Astra, I care about you and I'm not going to pretend like I don't."

"If you do not then it will get you killed!" Astra's voice is harsh and Alex takes a step back. She's never seen Astra like this. "I need to know that you will protect yourself and Kara without worrying about me. And if doing this is the only way I can guarantee that, then I must do it."

"Astra...are you breaking up with me?" Realization stabs at Alex and she wonders how Astra can be doing this. Leaving when they need to be strong.

Astra sighs, but Alex can tell she's still angry. "I do not wish to. But I cannot have Non killing you because of me."

"It's not your choice whether or not I risk my life," Alex insists. "I'm fighting with you."

A growl of frustration escapes Astra's lips and she begins pacing. "Alex, you are exceptionally brave. But this bravery leads to rashness, and in your haste to save everyone you tend to make stupid decisions. I do not need your saving, I need you to be safe."

"Says the woman who's throwing herself into a battle where she'll get killed just for being there!"

"That is none of your concern. We are on opposite sides of a war, Alexandra. This cannot be helped."

Alex recoils at the sound of her name and tears prick at her eyes. "We're supposed to be fighting _together_. Stronger together, remember?"

"Do not use my house words against me," Astra snaps. "This is for your protection."

"Like hell it is!" Alex yells. "You call me selfish! For all I know you've gone back to Non's side and you don't want to risk killing me!"

Astra's face darkens. "How _dare_ you accuse me of such a thing! I have appearances to keep up, as do you. This is a war! I am General Astra and you are Agent Danvers, and that has to be all we are to each other."

The words hit Alex where it hurts. "So you're saying all of this, everything we've been through--" She gestures between them. "It didn't matter to you? You knew in the end you'd just toss me away?"

"I do not wish to forget, Alexandra. But I do not wish to see you die. If cutting our ties to each other keeps you safe, then I will do it." Her words are cold and steady, but they sting coming up her throat. She never thought she'd have to say goodbye.

Tears threaten to spill over but Alex forces herself to keep it together. "Leave," she whispers, and her voice is cold. "Just leave, Astra. That's what you came to do."

"I am doing this to protect you," Astra insists.

"No you're not!" Alex spits. "You're doing this to protect yourself."

"Do not act like I never cared about you, Alexandra."

"Did you? Because it doesn't feel like it."

Astra exhales. "I guess we will never know."

The words shake Alex. "Pity," she spits. "And to think I thought I was worth your love."

Astra's face settles into her mask, and before Alex can register the change, she's back to the General Astra that Alex met that day in the warehouse. "Goodbye, Agent Danvers. We will likely not be seeing each other again." She's gone before Alex can say her name. The tears come freely then.

Sleep doesn't come that night. Instead, Alex sits and hopes in vain that Astra will come back. She always did.

She never does.

xxx

The next time she sees Astra, Alex is bleeding from two different wounds and gasping in recovery from being slammed to the ground. The general is floating some distance above the battle, keeping her distance from Non but still close enough to run interference when the time comes. Alex is fighting a foot soldier, and has just stabbed him with her Kryptonite sword when Astra sees her. Their gazes meet and for a second, Alex sees the alien's composure twitch. Alex knows her own face holds no secrets about her pain. Another soldier knocks Alex to the ground, and when she looks back, Astra is gone.

The emptiness hurts more than all her bloody bruises.

Too many people die in the battle. When Alex arrives back at the DEO, the sun is nearly rising and she's bleeding from more places than she can keep track of. Med bays are full, and Alex searches for her sister instead of disrupting cataloging of injuries and dead agents. Kara is in front of her mother's hologram, tears on her cheeks as she explains to the stoic hologram what happened. Alex knows how guilty her sister feels, but looking at Alura makes her want to vomit. She leaves the room without speaking.

She finds Hank and Lucy in the command center, the former placing a bandage on the major's arm. Lucy starts when she sees Alex.

"Jeez Danvers, you need medical attention. You're bleeding a _lot_."

"Not now," Alex insists. "I need to know how things went. How many of them did we take out?"

"More than we lost," Hank assures her. "Most of the other soldiers who weren't killed were captured, but some have escaped."

"Non?"

Hank sighs. "Kara killed him. She's pretty torn up, she's never killed anyone...she's talking to Alura."

Alex nods, and she swallows around the lump in her throat. "General Astra?"

"We haven't found her," Lucy whispers. "She was supposed to come back to the DEO, but she never did. She's not in the dead or captured though, so I guess that counts for something."

Another terse nod and Alex moves to leave. "Alex," Hank calls, and she stops. "Is everything alright?"

She meets his eyes and prays he hasn't read her mind. "Tell me if you find her." She leaves the building, still bleeding.

Inside, Hank sighs, rubbing his forehead. Lucy frowns. "What's wrong?"

Hank shakes his head, wondering if it had been a good idea to read Alex's mind. The hate and hurt boiling in her head was enough to make him sting. "Let's just say Alex's wounds are deeper on the inside. We need to find General Astra."

Lucy's eyes widen as she makes the connection. "Does Kara know?"

"No. It won't help, though. Not now. If Astra's alive, maybe that'll be some consolation for Alex." The words sound fake even as he speaks them. Lucy senses his hesitation, but stays quiet. The day has been rough enough.

xxx

Three days later, they receive confirmation that Astra is alive. She's taken refuge outside the city, but sends message to Hank anyway. He watches with a gentle gaze when Lucy tells Alex the news.

"Is she coming back?" Is the only thing she can ask.

Lucy looks to Hank for help. "We don't know, Alex," he admits. "She said she wouldn't be sending any more communications, so either she's returning in person, or..."

"Or she's never coming back," Alex finishes bitterly. Her gaze drops to the ground and Hank thinks she might be crying, but when she looks up her face is perfectly composed. "Her loss."

Alex carries through the rest of the day on the precipice of falling apart. She clocks out when the sun starts to set, and the ride to her apartment is painfully silent. Her own home feels foreign to her now (it really was _theirs_.) Old habits die hard and heartbreak heals slowly, and Alex reaches for the bottle of alcohol in her fridge before her rational side can tell her no. She downs a decent amount of it, and once her brain is sufficiently fuzzy she finally allows herself to think of Astra.

The stupid alien is alive. Astra is alive and Non is dead, and still she stays away. The thought pisses Alex off as much as it hurts her. She swallows another burning mouthful of liquor and tells herself that she's still angry. She can't miss Astra. (But she does.)

By the morning, the bottle is empty. Alex feels no better.

xxx

She lasts a week before Kara comes storming into her apartment, demanding an explanation. Alex's schedule has cycled around work and getting drunk; sleep only comes when she's inebriated enough not to notice Astra's absence. Hank must have spilled the beans - damn that mind reading alien - because Kara's not in her living room for twenty seconds before she yells, "Alex, why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?" Alex snaps back, because talking about the elephant that's not in the room is the last thing she wants.

"Don't play dumb, Alex. I know about you and Astra. Why didn't you tell me? Did you think I'd disapprove? Because I'll be honest, it's a little weird but--"

"Kara, if you came here to ask me about my romantic failures, just stop while you're ahead. Astra and I are over. Done. The end. She's never coming back." Kara flinches at her sister's venom, and watches wordlessly as Alex opens a beer.

"Is this what you've been doing, then?" Kara starts again. "Drinking away your pain?"

Alex shrugs. "It works."

"That's bullshit, Alex, and you know it. You're gonna kill yourself if you keep going like this."

"You got a better idea, Kara? Want me to lie on a couch, bare my heart to some head shrink? Therapy is what's bullshit." Alex plops down onto her couch and glares at her sister. "I really don't need the pity, Kara."

Kara frowns, trying to look less pitying. "You've had breakups before, Alex. Why is this one so different?"

The question stumps Alex. She's not sure why Astra leaving affects her so much - all she knows is that being drunk makes dealing with it a little less painful. "I don't know, Kara. It's a lot of things. Maybe I just loved her too much and wasn't prepared for her to not love me back."

Kara sits beside her sister, placing a hand on Alex's leg. "There's no way Astra didn't love you, Alex. She would've let you die if she didn't. She just wanted you to be safe, and if breaking your heart kept you away, well..."

"Your aunt's got a sick sense of protection if she thought that was the best course of action," Alex scoffs. "You know what's really the rub? She's alive. Non's dead and she and I are both alive, and she doesn't want to come back." She can feel the tears starting again. "I just want her to come back, okay? But she doesn't care about me anymore. So I will sit in this apartment and I will drink as much as I want, because it's easier to deal with it when everything's blurry." To prove her point, she takes a large swig from her beer.

"I'm worried about you, Alex," Kara whispers.

"Sorry," Alex says, not sounding the least bit apologetic.

Kara stands awkwardly, looking guilty. She opens her mouth to speak, but reconsiders and starts over. "Please just take care of yourself, Alex." She leaves before Alex can think of a response. Alex thinks it's for the best.

xxx

Two nights later and Alex is two glasses into a bottle of scotch when she hears a banging in her living room. Stepping closer in the darkness, Alex watches as someone steps in through her window. Her mind goes to Kara, but she flicks the light on and gapes.

"Astra?"

The general stands by the windows, less than fifteen feet away from Alex. Astra looks the same as the night she left, hardened face and bitter glare. "Alexandra," she states.

"Why...why are you here?" Alex's voice is more hopeful than she wants it, but the clouding in her brain isn't allowing her to make the greatest decisions.

Astra glances to the glass in Alex's hand and the bottle on the counter. "Kara called me. She was concerned that you were going to drink yourself to death. I see her fears were not unfounded."

"You're talking to Kara?" Alex blurts out, followed quickly by, "And why do you care what I'm doing?"

"Yes, I have been speaking to Kara. She is worried about you. She told me that I was the reason you have resumed this unhealthy lifestyle, and begged that I speak with you." Astra wanders closer, still keeping space between her and Alex. Being back here, the one place she really thought she could call home, Astra feels like breaking apart too. But she knows she can't.

Alex frowns, unsure if she's still supposed to be angry with Astra. She really just wants her back. "It makes the loneliness easier," she explains lamely, gesturing to the bottle. "But you don't care about that."

"Says who?"

"Says the fact that it's been weeks since we destroyed Myriad and killed Non and you never came back. You don't need to 'protect me' anymore. But you didn't care enough to come back." Alex's voice catches and she hides her embarrassment by taking another gulp of her drink.

"That has nothing to do with it," Astra states, but it's only half true. "You are going to kill yourself by drinking so much, Alexandra. Why are you doing this?"

"I miss you, Ash." Alex's words are soft and sightly slurred, but she meets Astra's eyes all the same. "I miss _you_."

"Did you miss me enough to drink, or did you drink enough to miss me?" Astra snaps. Alex recoils like she's been slapped, and tears spring to her eyes. "Is this all you can do, Alexandra? Drink? You are wasting your life away pining after me."

"Oh, like you care!" Alex exclaims. Anger is something she can get behind, to ignore the hurt pulsing everywhere else. "Myriad is gone! It's been gone for weeks, and you never came back! It's not like you care about what I'm doing with my life, so don't pretend."

Astra marches closer, fuming. "You know nothing about what I do and do not care about. One thing I care about for certain is my niece, and you forsaking _your_ job puts _her_ life at risk. Are you really so selfish that you would risk killing your own sister?"

"This isn't about Kara!" Alex yells, slamming down her glass. "This is about the fact that you left me behind!"

"I did what I had to do, to protect us both! We were in the middle of a war--"

"Goddamnit Astra!" Alex voice breaks on the name, and a few tears slip down her cheeks. Her voice softens when she adds, "This isn't about the war. It never was. It's about _us_. I just want you to come back." She turns her head away, swiping angrily at the tears falling faster down her face. Her quiet sobs reach Astra's ears, and the alien deflates.

Going weeks without Alex, especially after their horrible parting, hadn't been easy on Astra either. She missed her human greatly, and it wasn't until she saw Non's body with her own eyes did she think of ever returning. But Astra knew it would be easier for both of them if she never came back; if it just ended, and they gave it time to heal. Alex's people would hunt her, and Astra couldn't risk putting Alex in that position again. But Kara had reached out, in terrible fear for her sister's health, and so Astra had returned. Her Alex, her brave one, reduced to drinking herself into oblivion just so she could deal with the empty side of the bed. The guilt hits Astra like a meteor.

Walking slowly, Astra comes to a stop beside Alex. The agent stands with her head in her hands, shaking, and despite her anger and her hurt doesn't pull away from Astra's touch. "I am sorry, Alex," Astra whispers. "I did not expect my absence to pain you so much."

"Neither did I," Alex deadpans. "And yet here we are."

"Here we are," Astra repeats.

Alex finally raises her gaze back to Astra's, eyes still teary. The sight pains Astra, and Alex watches the venom disappear from the alien's face. Alex leans into Astra, tucking her head under the taller woman's chin. Astra wraps her arms around her, reveling in Alex's closeness, and she realizes how much she missed this. Missed _her_.

"Please don't leave," Alex begs suddenly, her voice small. "Please don't leave me again."

Astra tightens her grip on her human. "I will not leave you, Alex. I will stay." The tension leaves Alex's body, and she holds on to Astra tightly.

They'll have a lot to talk about come morning, when they're sober and not as angry. But Alex's bed finally feels like home again, and she snuggles close to Astra for all the nights she spent alone. Astra kisses Alex's temple before closing her eyes. It'll be rough, she knows, healing never comes easy. But Alex is worth it.

She always was.

**Author's Note:**

> This originally started from the prompt, "Did you miss me enough to drink or did you drink enough to miss me?" and evidently I got very, very carried away.


End file.
